Note: I wrote this text on February 28, 2021, a few hours before travelling for my master’s program to Berlin – and left it in my drafts. These are raw thoughts, that I wanted to capture and revisit in the future. I guess that future is now. Enjoy!
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I think, ever since I was a child, I had some severe separation anxiety. Anytime my parents would go out, I’d really freak out and get really scared. So much so, I actually remember this fact. When my mom would go out to buy groceries and she’d say “be back in two minutes”, I would count down twice to sixty and get really freaked out if she was late. Maybe that’s why I’m also so punctual now, haha! Eventually, my child-brain figured that for every time that my parents went out, they also came back. That anxiety died down and I grew “independent”.
Then, sometime later, but still a long, long time ago, I moved to study in Bremen at the ripe age of 18. As you can expect, that same separation anxiety kicked back in and I cried a lot lot. That was the first time I was alone, and really far away from the people I love most, my family. I had a diary at the time and wrote down all my dreary thoughts and how much I hated the fact that I’d moved for college (kind of how I’m doing now). After writing those thoughts down, I went on to have the absolute best time of my life, lol!
I’ve spoken about this before, but when I revisited my Bremen diary days before my graduation, I chuckled at how funny my younger melodramatic self had been. I was happy that I had captured my silly fears, and that I could compare them to my beautiful realities.
Here I am again. In a very similar, yet very different situation. And I would like to do the same.
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Today is February 28, 2021, 11:10 pm, and tonight at around 1 am I leave for Berlin. After almost seven years, I am leaving home again to try something new and do something that I feel is a must. I just finished packing with my mom, and said goodbye to my dad and brother. Being a Sunday, of course I just watched Perputhen Prime too. Ana left the show, it seems, and Antonela + Mevlan are still my favorites. Right now, there’s also some tears in my eyes, but not too many.
Am I worried about moving again? No. I’m not. I’ve been through this adventure before, when I was much younger and much yikes-ier. I think in my case right now, it’s the uncertainty that comes with COVID that scares me. Because of the pandemic, Germany’s bureaucratic efficiency has taken a hit and things seem to be working slower. Likely, I’ll be looking at a delay in receiving my paperwork, which means I might not be able to come back home for the summer, or whenever I’m needed most. A part of me thinks that this won’t happen, and it’s just me being sad. The other sad bit is that people won’t be able to visit me much because of lockdown rules and because Kosovars still need visas. And embassies aren’t issuing visas 😦
One of the selling points about choosing Berlin as my study destination (other than the fact that it’s cool, and I have friends there!) was that it is very close, and there are even weekly 25 Euro direct flight arrangements to Prishtina with EasyJet. In an ideal COVID-less scenario, I was looking forward to coming back often. Nonetheless, I also do understand that this isn’t an option for everyone and I’m speaking from privilege.
I’m sad to be leaving my parents, brother, grandmother, uncles, friends and of course my wonderful boyfriend. I’m sad for all the times I took them for granted, the most. If you’re looking for a moral to the story, don’t take your family and loved ones for granted y’all. They really are the best 🙂 💕
I talked to a friend earlier and told her that I realized I might actually be a social creature that enjoys some pockets of solitude (I’d previously thought of myself as an introvert). I even went so far as to say that I understand the shqipe-way of living with 100 relatives and cousins. Sure you get no privacy, and they probably drive you insane all the time, but there’s something very wholesome to me at the moment, about constantly having a buzzing home with family.
This post is dedicated to my buzzing home. 💕